Thoughts and Prayers

What do you say when you don’t know what to say? We face the dilemma of knowing what to say in the wake of grief, loss, tragedy, illness, natural disaster or any of the difficult and painful circumstances that come with being alive. These circumstances happen to those we love deeply, those we know personally, those we know tangentially and those we don’t know but have concern for.

For some situations, there are no words. Hugs and tears have to suffice. We want to offer comfort and condolence without sounding trite or like we are parroting what is expected. It is easier to list what NOT to say in situations like the loss of a loved one. “He’s in a better place.” “God needed another angel.” Those phrases should be banned. Grieving people are keenly aware of their pain. These phrases do nothing to acknowledge that pain. Nor do grieving people want to hear about your losses. Their focus in those moments is on themselves. This is not selfish. It is self-preservation.

Even when it comes to signing a condolence card, we would rather let the card companies come up with what to say so we can sign our names to it. We stand in front of the choices in the “sympathy” section, hoping to find an image and text that speaks for us. My mother died four years ago, but I only recently discarded the cards our family received after looking through them again. They were all pretty, but those that stood out were the ones in which the sender wrote a specific memory of how my mother touched their lives.

The phrase “thoughts and prayers” is commonly used in our culture. It has come under recent scrutiny and criticism. Some think it is used too often and too glibly. It is not a useless, throw-away phrase.

As an initial response to a loss, wound or grievance, sending thoughts and prayers is an appropriate and needed response. Sometimes, it is all we can do at that moment. I remember being at my church after learning the twin towers had been struck in 2001. We were not far from New York City and utter horror was in the air. We threw open every door, turned on all the lights, lit candles and gathered up every box of tissues we could find. We were located on the main street of the town. Soon, dazed pedestrians trickled in along with church members who needed the comfort of a familiar space. With little information about the event itself or news of any survivors, we sat with each other, cried, talked and prayed.

A phrase in current use that has a similar meaning without a religious overtone is “holding space” for a person or situation. Doing this can have a great effect. We have to get past any judgement about it being too trendy or “woo woo.”

Think of holding space as a literal opening of a space inside yourself like a bucket. When you listen to another without judgment and without offering advice, you are holding space. It means keeping control over your own tongue and of your own defenses or biases

Listening with care and attention is a real gift. If you have received it, you know it’s true. If you want to hold space for another, you have work to do. You listen with attention and notice any of your own feelings that rise to the surface. You can disagree, but still give the other person’s emotions and views validation. Additionally, it is not helpful to overly identify with them. It isn’t comforting to jump into the bucket you are trying to provide for someone else’s distress. Sometimes, mirroring back to the person what you hear them saying is enough to let them know you are listening. Sometimes people need to think out loud so they can find their way.

Some think the phrase “thoughts and prayers” loses all meaning when not paired with an action that addresses the need. Saying “thoughts and prayers” is not a “get out of jail free” card, absolving further action. It is frustrating when a tragedy happens again and again when something could be done about it. This is especially true of mass shootings at schools. Adequate legislation regarding the sale and use of dangerous weapons does not limit personal freedom. Protecting the vulnerable is a societal obligation. Other countries manage this well.

Arming teachers and putting fences around schools are not the answer. We can contact legislators and register our thoughts.

On this particular issue, there will be an information session on Sept. 29 at 5 p.m. at the Fernandina Beach Golf Club at 2800 Bill Melton Rd.  See below:

When one priest in Minneapolis was asked about thoughts and prayers, he replied, “Yes, pray. But after you pray, you have to move your feet.”

-----------------------------------------------------------

If you value community-centered journalism, please consider making a tax-deductible donation to support our work at the Observer. Your contribution, no matter the size, helps us continue telling the stories that matter most to our community. Thank you.