The Tribe

When you are taking care of a Loved One, you never know where your source of strength will be. For us, it came as each walked apprehensively into the Caregiver Support Group held at the Nassau County Council on Aging. There we were warmly greeted by the very well-qualified Debra Dombkowski, an LPN, Certified Dementia Practitioner, Director of the Adult Day Healthcare Program and the moderator for our group. We loved her.

During the support sessions, each participant had time to share their story, ask for suggestions, and sometimes, just cry. It was a safe space for a caregiver who needed to talk and had nowhere to do it. More than once, one of us would mention that after a meeting, we would feel better. Someone just knew what we were experiencing! Maybe there would be the realization that “I don’t have it so bad. I’m managing.” A hug could be the salve to make it until the next meeting. That was the setting for the beginning of our “tribe” and lasting friendships.

Tana and Peg met first in 2015. Tana was caring for her 90-year-old father, who had dementia. It was no easy feat, a daughter taking care of her sometimes grumpy father in a houseful of family members. Depending on his mood, ice cream was often a distraction (or the main meal!).

Peg was caring for her 64-year-old husband, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She and Tana struck up a friendship and looked forward to seeing each other. One time, we took the guys out for ice cream, and they both were singing along with the canned doo wop music at Baskin-Robbins! In subsequent meetings, Linda, then Cathy, Marianne, and Wendy came along. When Barrie was in town, she sometimes joined us. All of these other women were wives taking care of their husbands, watching the life they had enjoyed slip away to dementia. All of these women were in their 60s or early 70s and had been married for decades. We shared the challenges and heartbreak that only a fellow caregiver can know. Early on, we started meeting for lunch before the support group meetings. Later, we had potluck gatherings at each other’s homes.

The blessing of our friendship was that we were there for each other from beginning to end. Linda remembers her first support group meeting. She broke into tears and Lorraine reached across the table to take Linda’s hands. Someone understood.

Our husbands were at different stages of cognitive decline. We knew that we could call one another at any hour, and we kept an eye on each other. An extra hug. “Let’s meet for breakfast.” Or “Can I come over?” It was better because we had friends for the journey — the good, the bad and the ugly. Early on, Cathy and Peg toured care facilities together, just in case. And as each Loved One declined, we shared in their grief, because we knew each other and our families. Our shared grief was real. It started with a kind hand reaching across the table to comfort another woman.

So, how did the name “The Tribe” come about? One of many times together, we were having brunch downtown. At the adjacent table were Ruth and Paul, who greeted our friend, Marianne. Paul asked, “Who are all of these lovely ladies?” Marianne replied, “My tribe.” From then on, we became “The Tribe.” One day we’ll get those T-shirts made!

****

If you are struggling as a caregiver, look for a support group. They may become the most important people you know, because family members are often too close to the situation to be of help.

Locally, the Nassau County Council on Aging has a caregiver support group that meets twice a month. For more information, contact:

Jennifer Gundling 904-775-5485 or jgundling@nassaucountycoa.org

The Alzheimer’s Association has many caregiving resources and a 24/7 hotline. Check out their webpage.

****

If you have a story you'd like to share here in the Fernandina Observer — about a neighbor or friend or stranger or business that showed kindness, or about kindness and compassion in general — please contact Peggie Weeks at pegweeks@gmail.com