Stay in your lane?

As chaplain for the chancel choir, I offer a brief devotional at rehearsals. One evening, I began by asking what the phrase “stay in your lane” meant to them. I had no idea a discussion would follow.

Some said it was a put-down and meant, “Mind your own business!” Others thought it was a much more derogatory phrase, equivalent to cursing.

Others thought it could be a gentle reminder to “do what you do best.” If one serves on a team that works well together, “staying in one’s lane” could mean others need the person to contribute their best resources. All agreed that the tone in which it is delivered contributes to the intended meaning as it does in all interpersonal communication.

The phrase “stay in your lane” meant something totally different to me when I was 17 and my father was teaching me to drive around traffic circles in New Jersey. Traffic circles are not the same as roundabouts here on Amelia Island. The circle I had to navigate was a multi-lane affair with no easy way to correct your course. I was glad for an older car with lots of metal around me.

The first time I went to Paris, my taxi driver did not stay in his lane. My jet-lagged stomach flipped as he careened across seven or eight lanes of traffic to get to an exit off the circle around the Arc De Triomphe. I thought I was going to die before I got to see the city.

What does it mean to you to stay in your lane?

I learned something about myself as I thought about this phrase. Some of the times I don’t stay in my lane are because I am avoiding a long hard look at something that is in my lane. I spend time and energy thinking about or worrying over someone else’s issues instead of tending to my own.

The pop-psychology self-help book by Mel Robbins, "Let Them," outlines a theory to deal with this tendency in human nature. Mel Robbins expanded on the topic that Cassie Phillips first outlined in a poem called “Let Them” in 2022. Here is a portion from it.

If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.

If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.

If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.

If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.

Let them lose you.

You were never theirs because you were always your own.

So let them.

The poem and the expanded theory urge us to accept our own issues and admit that we cannot control others. We try to do so to our own detriment. It urges us to trust that the journeys of others will work out on their own. It offers freedom from the stress, worry and guilt that accumulate when we try to please others by conforming to what we think they want or need in order to get validation.

Whatever you think of this psychological advice, it advocates staying in one’s own lane as a path for a more fulfilling and happy life.

Is not staying in one’s lane ever OK? Certainly, if or when we know of abuse or other dangers.

Dr. King said, “The time is always ripe to do what is right.” Bishop Mariann Budde thought so too. That is why she added her plea to the president for mercy and compassion for those on the margins of society to the end of her sermon in the National Cathedral.

I watched an interview in which she said she was nervous that day, but felt she had been given her moment to speak. She knew she did not stay in her lane. She expected the amount of criticism she received. What she did not expect was the enormous volume of thanks and appreciation that continues to flow in from all over the country and even the world to this day.

The Rev. Joseph Yoo is an Episcopal priest and pastor of the Mosaic Church in Houston, Texas. He is an author and frequent online contributor in the form of reels on brief, poignant topics related to life and the practice of Christianity in these times. I watched one in which he said he is often criticized for not staying in his lane because he is too political. He countered that he is political, but not partisan. I find this distinction important and worth noting.

He further states that the gospels are political because they tell the stories of Jesus of Nazareth who was political and did not stay in his lane. He was into the business of leaders in the Temple in Jerusalem, the Pharisees, the hardcore outsiders, the officials of the Roman government, the law makers, the law breakers and just about everyone else.

As I learned to navigate complex patterns of New Jersey traffic circles, you can learn how to stay in your lane when it is called for and when to cross lanes. I hope you will cross lanes when the time is ripe to do what is right.