React or respond?

I try to show empathy for bugs and other creatures I find in my space. If possible, I pick them up in something (not with my hands) and take them outside. If not, I apologize to them before I squish them.

Not this time. An artist friend and I were reorganizing and cleaning at my gallery. I felt a tingle. A giant palmetto bug was on my forearm. Here in Florida, they are called palmetto bugs. In New Jersey, they are cockroaches. Can’t pretty up the reality. I yelped and knocked it to the floor. Without a moment’s hesitation, I squished it with my sandal with a satisfying crunch. My accomplice picked it up with several layers of paper towels and said, “Ew, ew, ew” all the way to the trash can.

My brain was in reactive mode. No reflective thought was involved. I acted impulsively. We are created to be capable of a higher order of functioning. I could have gone to get a dustpan and broom, but I didn’t. Seeing that big bug on my arm set me off.

Many people today are in constant reactive mode with no palmetto bugs in sight. They turn red, yell and press “send.” Whether or not their literal space has been invaded, that is the feeling conveyed by their words and actions. This reactive mode is so prevalent, it is a societal phenomenon. Nervous systems never stand down. A high alert for invasion is activated. This is exhausting.

Preacher, speaker, and writer Nadia Bolz-Weber wrote recently about the story of Jesus calming the storm when the disciples were in the boat with him on the Sea of Galilee (Mark 4: 35-41). He had just finished a heavy teaching schedule and suggested they cross to the other side of the sea so he could find some peace and quiet. That body of water is known for unpredictable, blustery storms. Sure enough, a storm came up. The disciples were afraid and in reactive mode. They blamed Jesus for being asleep and not caring about their plight. When we are in reactive mode, projection is a major line of defense. “It’s your fault,” we exclaim. I imagine Jesus thinking, “Did you not hear a word I said all day?” The storm is calmed and the disciples are in awe. Jesus remained both present to the disciples and in the present moment. Those of us who aspire to be Jesus’ followers can work on this way of responding, rather than reacting.

Nadia Bolz-Weber

Sometimes, humor is the best way to defuse a situation. A driver was frustrated with another driver who was female. He put down his window and yelled, “I will make your life a living hell.” The woman replied, “No thanks. I am not looking for a relationship right now.” He roared off.

In conflict management terms, her response is called a “playful paradox.” Try it sometime, when safe to do so.

When a conflict is at the stage of “demonizing the other,” arriving at a satisfying resolution is very hard. You can intuit what that term means by the ways we see it in action locally, nationally and globally. Ideally, parties to a conflict work together to solve a problem. Respecting the ideas, feelings and positions of others is hard work under any circumstance. It is even harder when one party turns up the heat by speaking in a dehumanizing and degrading manner and the other side replies in kind. The only way toward resolution is to go very slowly, listening and repeating what one thinks is heard and continuing to clarify until there is agreement on what is meant by what is being said. If you can stop long enough to ask a question before reacting, your brain has a moment to shift gears and to get to a place where openness is possible.

Another text from the Christian Scriptures came to mind as I thought about reactivity and response. Paul’s letter to the Romans has some wise advice about behavior in the 12th chapter. I spent a lot of time on this book of the Bible in seminary, studying it for a whole year. They continue to resonate with me and challenge me.

“Live in harmony with one another; do not be arrogant, but associate with the lowly; do not claim to be wiser than you are. Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12: 16-18, NRSVUE

The issues before us locally, nationally and globally are large — larger than the swirling hurricane that is wreaking havoc along the entire east coast. It would be easy to retreat in fear, strike out in enmity or give up in despair. These verses serve as a reminder to do our part, as individuals, to uphold the common good, as far as it depends on us. We may be individuals, but we matter in the larger scheme of things. We can pause, breathe and respond rather than react.

I will practice this too, especially in relation to palmetto bugs.