Mother’s Day: More than a paper flower

When Mother’s Day approached five months into my job as a church’s lead pastor in the late 1990s, I was surprised to see a small group of elderly women in our church parlor busily folding facial tissues. I could not imagine what they were doing. “We’re making carnations to give out on Mother’s Day!” they exclaimed. I had no idea what they meant. I kept my feelings from showing on my face. “Oh. Is this a tradition?” They shook their heads “yes.” This particular group had joined our church when their church in a neighboring town closed. There were a few bumps in the road as the two church communities merged. We had just hit one.

“Tell me about it,” I had the presence of mind to say. They showed me boxes of pink and white tissues and green pipe cleaners. “We make pink ones for the women whose mothers are living and white ones for those whose mothers are deceased.” My horror was growing by the minute.

I could not believe this tradition survived into the 1990s! Mother’s Day is problematic enough for

many reasons, especially in churches where many women experience hurt feelings and even trauma by the way this occasion is celebrated. I knew women who would not attend church on that Sunday because it was too painful. Many churches reinforce stereotypical roles with Bible verses taken out of context. They reinforce patriarchal cultural norms that do not reflect an authentic Christian community of equality and inclusivity. That congregation had many accomplished women in leadership roles. To top it off, I was standing there as their lead pastor.

What was I to do? The day was rapidly approaching. We would have to take up this subject later, privately in the appropriate committee. I gritted my teeth and let them pass them out. I watched some of the befuddled looks on people’s faces. They were gracious about it. Of course, some youth got hold of a few and pretended to blow their noses into them.

It is bad enough that the culture turns sappy about Mother’s Day with pink and white cards and flowers and crowded restaurants. The church should not perpetuate stereotypes that exclude many women’s lived experiences. What about those who experienced neglect or abuse at the hands of their mothers? What about those whose mother abandoned them or those who do not know who their biological mother is? What about women who desperately want to be a mother but cannot bear a child? What about women, like me, who chose not to be a biological mother? What about the grief women bear at their mother’s passing? They had to wear a white carnation to advertise it?

Just a month before my arrival, that congregation had mourned the death of a much-beloved girl who died of AIDS at the age of 12. A prominent family in that church adopted children who were rejected because they were HIV positive. The church participated in an area-wide ministry for those who were HIV positive and lived on the edge of society. This was in a very upscale community. Disease is no respecter of social status. Would this adoptive mother get a carnation for her much beloved daughter whose loss was still very raw and deep?

At this congregation, there was the issue of merging church families. The issues were very much like blending families after another marriage. Not everything is up front or easily discussed. There was no easy solution to the great paper carnation giveaway dilemma. The following year, the tradition was graciously and quietly retired.

This holiday was started by women who grieved the loss of their children in war. They acknowledged the strength and sacrificial love it took to take on the role of mother, hopefully by choice. There are voices today who call for women to stay home and bear as many children as possible. This is unbelievable in 2026. Dare I use a common expression, “That horse has left the barn.”

I wonder how many preachers will choose for their text this Sunday one of the wonderful images of God as mother found in the Bible? In Psalm 91, God is likened to a mother bird who protects her children with her wings.

God will keep you safe from all hidden dangers and from all deadly diseases.

God will cover you with his wings;

  you will be safe in God’s care;

God’s faithfulness will protect and defend you.

(Psalm 91: 3-4)