Boundaries are important

I was looking for a video on YouTube and stumbled across something much better. It is a company called Hopscotch Songs that makes wonderful animated educational videos for children. Among their offering of videos on the sun, moon and stars is a video called “The Boundary Song,” written in 2022. After watching it a couple of times, I have been singing the chorus ever since:

“Please stop. I don’t like that.

I’m feeling uncomfortable. I need more space.

Not around me. Don’t take it personally.

It’s just a boundary. It’s a boundary.”

The whole song is worth a listen: "The Boundaries Song - That's a Boundary."

The song teaches valuable lessons through charming animation. I wish it had been around when I was growing up. I wish every child could hear it and learn it. Frankly, I wish every adult would hear and learn it too. I can’t help but think about all the miscommunication, hurt feelings and broken relationships that could be prevented.

The lyrics validate feelings and teach one to speak out about them without judgment. Learning to stand up for oneself at an early age is crucial not only for girls but for boys, too.

I am grateful the video uses both boy and girl characters. Maybe boys could learn not to sublimate their feelings that later come out as violence. Maybe a lot of bullying behavior and body shaming could be avoided.

Boundary training is now prevalent in churches, schools and denominations. In the early 1990s when I had just started my work as a congregational consultant, I had to plunge into this topic in order to deal with cases of boundary violations in churches of both a financial and sexual nature. I felt woefully unprepared. I was and still am very grateful for the training I received from The Rev. Dr. Frances Unsell, who is a psychoanalyst and organizational consultant who worked at the time for the Grubb Institute for Behavioral Studies in London.

She explained that a boundary in behavior is like the membrane of a cell. It is not supposed to be too rigid, like a wall. Nor should it be too amorphous, like Swiss cheese. A boundary helps us differentiate what you let in and what you let out. We all know the feeling we get when something is not quite right. It is often called the “ick.” One may not be able to define it at the time, but you sense discomfort or unease when a boundary is crossed.

She explained that there are three types of boundaries: intrapsychic, interpersonal and organizational or group. We mostly think of and deal with interpersonal boundaries as mentioned in the song. Intrapsychic boundaries are formed in childhood. She emphasized that here is where the seeds of sexual acting out are formed. If we have not formed any boundaries between what we think and feel, and what we say and do in the world, then we do not develop impulse control or a clear sense of self. The person lacking intrapsychic boundaries does not think about where they start and stop and where others start and stop. I am not saying that those who violate boundaries are not responsible for doing so.

Control has to come from without because it won’t come from within. I can’t help but think of all the hurt, pain, abuse and ruined lives that could be spared if we learned about boundaries and put healthy ones into practice.

Sometimes we do not speak up for fear that we will hurt another’s feelings. We are not responsible for how another responds. We are responsible for ourselves and to ourselves. It would be great if we could learn a healthy response if someone calls out our behavior as is modeled in the song.

I’ll stop. You don’t like that.

You’re feeling uncomfortable. You need more space.

Not around you. I’m not offended or blue.

It’s just your boundary. It’s your boundary.

The most wonderful prayer I have ever heard and often say is attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr, one of the great 20th-century theologians. It is the familiar Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Reinhold Niebuhr’s daughter likes his 1943 version of the prayer best. This is new to me, but I like it too. It shifts the prayer to a communal invitation, not just an individual responsibility.

I would like to think that, given all the gifts and challenges we have here in our community, we could adopt this as our own.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.