Being a both/and person in an either/or world

By the time you read this, we will have turned the page on a very long month. It feels like it should be April or May. But it’s not. It’s the beginning of the most misspelled and mispronounced month. The cold is with us. It is too soon for signs of new growth to appear. Instead, fragile bushes, trees and plants wear shrouds of protection from frost. So much happened this past month, many feel like they could crawl under cover with the plants or stay in bed with covers pulled over their heads. I would like to offer another approach. I suggest being a both/and person in an either/or world.

It is easy to identify what an either/or world is because we live it every day. Everything feels highly charged. People’s nervous systems are bonkers and cannot turn off high alert. Every event, every issue triggers the fight or flight response. Unfortunately, this means brains are not functioning at their best. Our range of options for acting is narrowed. Creative problem-solving goes out the window. Differences are demonized, not celebrated. We have a hard time taking in new information.

This either/or world has been building in America for quite some time. It is not new, but our daily doses of it have increased dramatically. We can blame our cell phones, social media or the highly digitalized distance that the boom in technology has created. It is part of it, but not all of it. We can look at ourselves, too. I am typing on a computer and I will publish this commentary on social media, so this is also my world. I scared myself the other day when I got twitchy because I left my phone somewhere.

A much more comprehensive analysis of the current state of affairs and what can be done about it was offered by David Brooks in his farewell column as an opinion writer for the New York Times on Jan. 30. I recommend it to you. I pull out just a sentence or two.

“The internet did not usher in an era of deep connection but rather an era of growing depression, enmity and loneliness.”

 And also this:

“The most grievous cultural wound has been the loss of a shared moral order. We told multiple generations to come up with their own individual values. This privatization of morality burdened people with a task they could not possibly do, leaving them morally inarticulate and unformed.”

(David Brooks, NYT, Jan. 30, 2026)

Don’t be afraid to read it because you think it is all doom and gloom. It isn’t. This is just the first part of his analysis.

What is a both/and person and how do we develop that outlook? I ask you to consider an insight from the field of interpersonal neurobiology.

This field advises people to stop speaking and acting and SLOW DOWN. A basic skill is learning to breathe slowly and deeply, pause before speaking and then listen to others. In this context, people can feel seen and heard. Then, attention can turn to action. Then and only then can solutions can be discovered that are reasonable and constructive and have group buy-in. (This material is by Trauma Aware America).

I can’t always advocate following the dictates of Paul the Apostle in the Christian scripture, but he knocks it out of the park in the 12th chapter of his letter to the Romans. I won’t overwhelm you with the whole thing. Here are a few key verses:

^{9 “}Let love be genuine; hate what is evil; hold fast to what is good; ¹⁰ love one another with mutual affection; outdo one another in showing honor. ²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Is there evil? Yes. Can the good overcome it? Yes. Both/and can be in operation and we can remain grounded.

Here is a poem by Karen Salmansohn to remember on the days when all of this feels like too much. “The World is Both Burning and Blooming.”

And lastly, part of a prayer by Rev. Cameron Trimble, published on her blog, “Piloting Faith”:

Clear our sight where fear distorts it.

Slow our reactions where anger rushes in.

Strengthen our roots where courage feels thin.

Teach us how to remain —

not numb, not captive, not bitter —

but awake, compassionate, and brave.

Anchor us in rhythms that restore the soul

and friendships that tell the truth.

Make us people who can stay

without surrendering what is sacred within us.

With you in the both/and,

Linda